


As Long As We Still Have Each Other

by kjhs (heiwajima)



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-31
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-07 01:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11048538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heiwajima/pseuds/kjhs
Summary: Minhyun sees all the good in Jonghyun.The story of how two boys meet, fall apart, and come back together.





	1. Chapter 1

The most painful feeling, Minhyun realizes, is watching someone you care about beat themselves down because they cannot see how good they truly are.

He sits along the wall of the Pledis dance practice room, watching the sweat drip off of Jonghyun’s nose as he runs through the choreography over and over again for their debut stage. It’s past midnight and they have another long day of rehearsal tomorrow, but Jonghyun refuses to go back to their dorms until he can perfect the tricky choreography that he kept messing up on during practice earlier. 

Sighing deeply, Minhyun gets up from his spot by the door and walks over to Jonghyun with a towel and bottle of water. He motions wordlessly for Jonghyun to take the towel and screws off the bottle cap, watching Jonghyun wipe the sweat away from his face before handing him the bottle and watching him take a large mouthful of water. 

“Let’s just go back to our rooms. It’s late, and we can pick it up again tomorrow,” says Minhyun for the hundredth time that night. He motions for Jonghyun towards the door.

“I can’t,” replies Jonghyun firmly, not moving from his spot and staring at himself in the mirror. “I can’t believe I’m still making mistakes when I should have perfected this weeks ago.”

“You only made a mistake earlier because of how tired you are,” reprimands Minhyun lightly. “Even our dance trainer said that it’s fine. If you go to sleep now and get some rest, you won’t make the same mistake again tomorrow.”

“We have barely a week before the most important moment of our lives, and you want me to go sleep?” Jonghyun shakes his head as he tosses the bottle and towel to the side, pushing his hair back and wiping the remaining sweat from his forehead.

“I’m just saying that there’s no point in pushing yourself so hard when your body can’t keep up because it needs to rest,” replies Minhyun gently, and guilt sweeps across Jonghyun’s face before it’s replaced with a sad and apologetic expression. 

“I didn’t mean to snap at you, Minhyun,” begins Jonghyun, but Minhyun cuts him off before he can continue apologizing.

“It’s okay. I know how much this means to you. To all of us. We’re both just tired.”

“Go back to the dorms first without me?” suggests Jonghyun. It’s a pointless suggestion though.

Minhyun laughs quietly before taking Jonghyun’s wrist and pulling them towards the door, turning off the lights behind them. “If I did, I would probably find you asleep on the floor again in the morning.”

Jonghyun’s lips twitch up slightly as he looks down, a sheepish smile appearing slowly. “It was just a one-time thing, but I suppose you’re right.”

They make their way out the door of the Pledis building and into the cold night. Spring is approaching, but there’s still traces of snow on the ground and the bitter cold cuts through Minhyun’s coat, chilling his fingers and sending shivers down his spine. His hand is still wrapped around Jonghyun’s wrist and he can feel Jonghyun shivering even harder.

“Where’s your jacket?” asks Minhyun, already in the process of taking his coat off and ignoring Jonghyun’s protests. Jonghyun is only dressed in a thin hoodie and sweatpants, and he’s bound to catch a cold at this rate.

“It wasn’t that cold when I left this morning, and I am not taking your jacket. What kind of leader would I be if I left you out in the cold like that?”

“The kind of leader who works so hard that he forgets to take care of himself.” Minhyun’s reply is firm yet kind as he drapes the coat over Jonghyun’s shoulders. “And besides, I still have my scarf and sweater.”

Jonghyun stops walking and stares at Minhyun hard, then sighs and picks up the pace. “If we walk faster, I’ll give you your jacket back at the halfway point.”

It’s a compromise and even though Minhyun isn’t completely happy about it, he accepts it as he grabs Jonghyun’s hand again and the two of them run through the streets of Seoul, fingers still tightly intertwined.

***

Predictably, Minhyun is coughing hard and has a killer headache the next morning. Jonghyun watches him worriedly as Minhyun stirs a spoonful of honey into his hot lemon water during breakfast.

“I would say ‘I told you so’, but it’s my fault that you’re even sick in the first place. I shouldn’t have let you give me your coat,” says Jonghyun miserably. “Will you be okay for our debut stage on Thursday?”

Minhyun nods, zipping his hoodie to the top and pulling the hood over his head and tightening the strings. “It’s not as bad as it looks,” he lies. “I’ll take medicine and wear lots of warm clothes.”

“It’s my fault,” protests Jonghyun. The guilty expression on his face sends a pang of sadness straight through Minhyun’s heart, and the two of them both stare down at their hands, unsure of what to say next.

There’s a long moment of silence between them before Jonghyun speaks, and Minhyun can tell that he’s choosing his words very carefully.

“I’m really scared,” admits Jonghyun, voicing his fears out loud for the first time. “I don’t think I’m fit to be the leader.”

It hurts Minhyun to see Jonghyun doubt himself as their leader, but he knows that it’s a fear that Jonghyun has been struggling with for months. The anxiety and pressure of being a leader at the age of sixteen has been weighing on Jonghyun’s shoulders ever since the news was announced, yet he refused to talk about his worries, afraid that it would trouble the others. Despite Minhyun’s efforts to comfort Jonghyun with his words, he knows that Jonghyun’s selflessness would never allow him to express his worries. Instead, Minhyun gently picks up Jonghyun’s hands and lifts them slightly so that their elbows are propped up on the table.

“Jonghyun, you are the best leader we could have ever hoped for. You were made leader because each and every one of us has total and complete faith in you. Aron listens to you with no qualms even though he’s two years older. Dongho and Minki have been with you for so long that they wouldn’t accept anyone else as leader anyway. And as for me…” Minhyun trails off and looks away for a moment before looking up to meet Jonghyun’s gaze, a soft smile on his lips. “I wish you knew just how much I admire you.”

It’s a bit embarrassing and Jonghyun looks down again while Minhyun turns his head to blink rapidly, but when he looks back, Jonghyun has a genuine smile on his face too.

“Thank you, Minhyun,” he says sincerely.

“Even though you’re our leader who gives us strength, you still need someone to be your support.” Minhyun squeezes Jonghyun’s hands gently before dropping them to pick up his mug instead. “Go on ahead, I’ll meet you guys in the practice room soon.”

Jonghyun nods and stands up from his chair, picking up his jacket and slinging it over his shoulder. “See you in a bit.”

***

Thankfully, Minhyun’s cough and headache disappears in a few days and he is able to resume practice with the others without too much time lost. The days are long and tiring with rehearsals from dawn to midnight and they barely have time to sleep, eat, and shower, let alone rest or have any free time. The atmosphere is heavy with nervous energy and anticipation as the day of their M!Countdown debut approaches, and Minhyun watches Jonghyun as he stays up late to squeeze in more practice or skip a few meals to lose another kilogram.  
It worries Minhyun and he tries his best to keep their leader strong, whether it’s by sneaking in an extra piece of meat into Jonghyun’s bowl at dinner or adding an extra ten minutes to Jonghyun’s alarm in the morning. 

It’s the morning of their debut stage and Minhyun is coming out of the bathroom from his shower when he bumps into Jonghyun around the corner. He looks exhausted and there are prominent bags under his eyes, but Jonghyun cracks a smile when he sees that it’s Minhyun.

“Morning,” yawns Jonghyun, opening the door to the bathroom.

“Morning,” echoes Minhyun. “You should have slept earlier last night. Our fans might confuse you with a panda when we go on stage later.”

Jonghyun laughs. “I’m just going to shower quickly and get dressed. There’s food in the kitchen, by the way. Our manager brought breakfast. Minki and Aron are eating already.”

Breakfast is a quiet affair, and very few words are exchanged between the members as they quickly eat their meal. Their manager ushers them into the van soon after, but none of them are in the mood to make conversation as they are sped away to their location for their makeup, hair, and outfits. Minhyun sits in the back between Aron and Minki; Aron is asleep and Minki is staring out the window, chin resting on his hand.

Minhyun sits back, watching Jonghyun nervously pick at a loose thread on his sweater. Jonghyun has an earphone in and is sharing the other with Dongho, both of them lost in their own thoughts.

Minhyun hesitates for a moment, but raises his hand to the nape of Jonghyun’s neck and ruffles the hair there. Jonghyun jolts slightly in surprise, but leans into the touch once he recognizes the familiar feel of Minhyun’s fingers through his hair.

It’s not a long journey, but Jonghyun does fall into a light sleep. Minhyun shakes his shoulder gently when they arrive and Jonghyun cracks open a bleary eye. 

“We’re here,” says Minhyun, reaching his hand out to pull Jonghyun up. Jonghyun yawns and stretches his arms out a bit before gratefully accepting Minhyun’s help.

They’re whisked away immediately to change into their outfits, and then swept to a different room for makeup and hair. Minhyun sits in his chair, watching his stylist apply concealer and some eyeliner on his face.

“You look good,” comes a familiar voice from behind him. Minhyun moves to turn his head back, but his stylist shushes him and pushes him down back into the chair. The voice behind him laughs.

“How did you finish so fast?” asks Minhyun. He tries to catch a glimpse of Jonghyun in the reflection.

Jonghyun walks forward and in front of Minhyun, leaning back against the table where an array of makeup and hair products are spread out. “Just sat still, I guess.”

Even though they are wearing the same outfits, hairstyle, and makeup from their music video filming, Jonghyun looks different. A look of determination has replaced the fear and apprehension in his eyes, and his JR stage persona is beginning to shine through.

“How are you feeling?” asks Jonghyun. He grips Minhyun’s hand gently as he asks.

It’s a mix of excitement, satisfaction, nervousness, and something deeper and stronger that Minhyun is afraid to put a label to, but he doesn’t know how to express all his emotions into coherent words. Instead, he just smiles and meets Jonghyun’s gaze and answers simply.

“I know we’ll all do well.”

“That’s good to hear,” exhales Jonghyun, relief washing over his face. He pushes himself forward and straightens his posture, squeezing Minhyun’s hand one last time and walking towards the door. “I’m going to check up on Minki now. See you later.” Turning around and smiling again, he closes the door with a soft click behind him.

The remaining time goes by quickly and before Minhyun can finish mentally preparing himself for the moment he’s spent the past two years working towards, the five of them are standing in a circle at the bottom of the stairs to the stage, ready to go up next for their live recording. 

“You all worked so hard,” says Jonghyun fondly. His voice trembles slightly, but it’s steady for the most part. “Let’s keep continuing to work hard so we can make our fans proud too.”

The five of them put their hands together for a quick chant – “fighting!” – and Minhyun looks up at the same time as Jonghyun does. The two of them make eye contact and, at that moment, Minhyun knows that he’ll follow Jonghyun regardless of where their paths take them, just as long as he has Jonghyun by his side.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things change.

There is a dangerously fine line separating Minhyun from Jonghyun, and he has been tiptoeing on that tightrope for the better part of two years.

He can’t pinpoint the exact moment his feelings began to change; maybe he’s always been hopeless when it comes to Jonghyun. A large part of Minhyun knows that this could all just be for show, and that fan service and skinship are a normal part of the idol industry. But there’s a small, hopeful part of Minhyun that wants to believe Jonghyun’s actions are genuine. Between the too-long lingering touches and gazes exchanged over the years, Minhyun wants to believe.

But for now, Minhyun is happy with what they have.

He sighs as he unzips his jacket, removing his clothes and folding them neatly on the dresser before flopping down on the bed. The sheets smell clean and fresh, but he misses the scent of his own bed back in their dorms. Promoting overseas makes Minhyun miss home and all the things he used to take for granted. Even though living in hotels has its perks (having his own bathroom instead sharing with four others and increased privacy come to mind immediately), Minhyun misses sleeping in his own bed, going out with the members at night to snack on Korean street food, and his family. 

He briefly considers sneaking out and walking around the streets of Shenzhen, but he can barely string together a sentence in Mandarin and doesn’t particularly feel like getting lost.

A knock at the door interrupts Minhyun’s thoughts, and he wonders who could be visiting so late at night. Maybe it’s their manager, giving them last minute schedule changes for tomorrow. He slips on a bathrobe, opening the door. 

Jonghyun walks in, unbothered at all that Minhyun is only clad in a short bathrobe. He flops himself down onto the bed, worming his way under the covers.

“Mmm… it’s warm.”

“Off,” says Minhyun, ripping the covers off and pulling Jonghyun’s arm. “Your clothes are dirty.”

Jonghyun raises an eyebrow. “So you’d rather have me strip naked?”

It’s moments like these that make Minhyun seriously question what his relationship with Jonghyun is. Instead, he ignores him and walks to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and turning on the shower.

His hands are shaking slightly as he fumbles to untie the bathrobe knot, but he manages and drops it to the floor. The hot water from the shower is fogging up the mirror and he wipes away a small section, examining his tired reflection. Today’s fan meet was a long day of autographs and photos, and they barely had time to eat or rest all day. All Minhyun wants to do for the rest of the night is sleep, and he certainly was not expecting Jonghyun to show up unannounced at his room. 

He showers slowly and meticulously, enjoying the feeling of hot water on his skin even though the water pressure is too gentle for his liking, and letting his thoughts wander into dangerous territory. 

Having Jonghyun coming to his hotel room at night to sleep is nothing new or unexpected. Even back at their dorms, it wasn’t a rare occurance for them to go to each other’s rooms at night to sleep together after a long and tiring day. Jonghyun claims that sleeping with Minhyun helps him fall asleep faster, and Minhyun doesn’t ask for any more details. He tries to convince himself that it helps build their relationship so skinship and fan service for their fans seem more realistic, but he knows it’s a weak reason and has no explanation for why Jonghyun would continue to act the same way in private.

Maybe the answer is obvious, but Minhyun doesn’t dare let himself believe that possibility. Not yet, at least. 

He finishes his shower and towels himself dry, and slips on an old tank top and a pair of shorts. Taking a deep breath, he grabs his towel and bathrobe, and opens the door. 

While Minhyun was showering, Jonghyun had changed into some of Minhyun’s clean clothes. The shirt is slightly large on him and hangs off loosely on one shoulder, exposing his neck and collarbone. He’s laying in bed again, playing a game on his phone with his back turned towards Minhyun.

Minhyun would be lying if he said he hadn’t imagined this very scenario a hundred times before, with Jonghyun wearing his clothes and laying in his bed. The entire moment feels so domestic that Minhyun’s heart aches with longing, but he pushes his thoughts and desires aside as he pulls the covers back and gets into bed too.

“Are you planning to sleep here tonight?” he asks, already knowing the answer.

“If you don’t mind,” replies Jonghyun, finally putting his phone aside and turning to face Minhyun. “I don’t know if I want to sleep alone tonight.”

Minhyun turns off the lamp on his nightstand, and the only light that illuminates their faces is from the moonlight that trickles through the window curtains. In the darkness, Jonghyun looks much younger and more vulnerable. Minhyun hesitates for a moment, then reaches out to gently brush Jonghyun’s hair back and breathes a sigh of relief when Jonghyun does not resist.

“What did you think of the fanmeet?”

Jonghyun closes his eyes, not replying. Minutes pass and Minhyun thinks maybe he’s fallen asleep, but Jonghyun slowly opens his eyes, unable to stop the look of sadness, regret, and pain that spreads across his face.

“I think I’ve failed everyone,” he whispers.

Minhyun knows that Jonghyun struggles with confidence and self-esteem issues from their dwindling fan base and neglect from their company. He knows that Jonghyun blames himself for their lack of success, the weight on his shoulders growing heavier and heavier with every comeback and album they release. 

It hurts Minhyun to see Jonghyun’s confidence fade away and to hear Jonghyun actually say those words out loud makes Minhyun’s heart clench.

“You haven’t failed anyone,” Minhyun replies softly, brushing his thumb gently over Jonghyun’s cheeks. “You haven’t failed me.”

“What kind of leader am I, when I can’t even stay strong? Even our company has given up on us.”

“But we haven’t given up,” says Minhyun firmly, thumb still stroking across Jonghyun’s face. “As long as we have each other, we’ll never give up.”

Minhyun knows that Jonghyun will continue to blame himself regardless of what he says, and he can see the exhaustion on Jonghyun’s face. Pulling him closer, he tucks Jonghyun’s head into the crook of his neck.

“For now, just sleep. Things will get better soon,” promises Minhyun.

It’s not an empty promise, but it feels like an impossible one. 

***

And things do change, but not for the better.

They still have fan meets and interviews in their schedules, but Minhyun finds it hard to stay optimistic and positive with their dwindling fan base and lack of promotions from their company. But no matter how stressed and disappointed he feels, he knows that Jonghyun is feeling the same emotions but a hundredfold worse. 

It’s not that Minhyun thinks Jonghyun is weak or needs saving; in fact, it’s the complete opposite. He knows that it takes Jonghyun a tremendous amount of strength to put on a brave face for the members and fans when he’s hurting inside, pushing aside his own fears for the sake of everyone else. But still, it hurts Minhyun to see Jonghyun putting himself down when he wants nothing more than for Jonghyun to rise to the stars.

They’re preparing for yet another interview, but thankfully they’re back in Korea this time. Answering interview questions through a translator was beginning to get tiring, and Minhyun is relieved that he’ll finally be able to answer questions on his own now. 

It’s a standard interview but they’re filming it for a livestream, which is always more stressful. There are no second takes, and Minhyun still hasn’t perfected controlling his body or facial expressions. Before their debut, they were heavily coached on how to answer interview questions and were given three cardinal rules – never bring up past controversies, avoid answering questions about relationships, and lie if you have to – but even with years of experience, it still doesn’t come to him easily.

He checks his reflection one last time in the dressing room mirror, slightly impatient that they have to wait so long for the interview to begin. The others are still finishing their makeup and Minhyun doesn’t want to disrupt their stylists, but Dongho is done and waiting on the couch.

“I don’t understand why we keep doing these interviews,” starts Minhyun, approaching Dongho and plopping himself down next to him. “They always ask the same questions, and we always have the same replies.”

Dongho laughs. “I know, right? I could answer Jonghyun’s questions for him now.” He mimics Jonghyun’s serious face. “In my free time, I play League of Legends and read One Piece. I like cats and hate tomatoes.”

Minhyun bursts into laughter and Dongho joins him, ignoring the indignant yell from Jonghyun across the room. 

“Still,” muses Dongho, “I suppose it’s better than nothing. At least we have something to do, even if it is repetitive.”

Minhyun’s smile wipes off his face. “Yeah,” he replies solemnly, “It could be worse.”

The interview begins soon after, albeit almost half an hour later than scheduled. Their manager leads them into a brightly lit room, five chairs in a row with a sixth one slightly off to the side. The interviewer is a pretty girl and introduces herself as Jieun and Minhyun thinks she looks vaguely familiar, but he doesn’t think of it too much; he just wants to quickly finish so they can go back to their dorms. 

They take their seats with Jonghyun in the center and Minhyun off to the side, and their stylists do one last hair and makeup touchup before the director ushers everyone else to the back of the room.

“It’s very nice to meet you,” Jieun greets warmly. “I hope we can have a successful interview for your fans.”

For the most part, Minhyun answers questions on autopilot. The questions are nothing new, as Jieun cycles through the pre-approved questions of “where do you hope to be in three years?” and “who is your greatest inspiration?” and Minhyun is sorely tempted to shoot back a sarcastic reply just to change things up. He can sense that the others are equally bored with the redundancy, and Aron is even looking off to the side instead of Jieun.

Fortunately, Jonghyun and Dongho try their best to remain enthusiastic, answering Jieun’s questions with as much vigor as they can muster. Jieun also remains professional, politely thanking them for their answers. 

“Now, let’s turn to the viewers who are submitting their questions right now.” Jieun picks up the laptop on the table next to her and scrolls through the comments, reading some of them out loud.

“’Ren is so handsome’, ‘Why does Aron look so bored’, ‘I miss you!!!’,” recites Jieun, laughing at some of the video comments. “Oh, here’s an interesting one. ‘When was your first kiss?’” She turns her attention to the members, trying to make eye contact with someone in hopes of an answer.

The question breaks one of the three fundamental rules they have for interviews, but Minhyun isn’t bothered by it. It’s not like he has anything to hide, anyway. He takes one for the team.

“I’ve never kissed anyone before,” he admits honestly. “I’ve never even hugged a girl until our first fan meet.”

He sees Jonghyun raise his eyebrows slightly and Aron turn his attention back to him, looking amused for the first time during the entire interview. Even Jieun looks surprised at the news.

“What?” he asks innocently.

“Nothing,” begins Aron, still looking a bit amazed. “It’s just that I wouldn’t have imaged you, of all people.”

Minhyun can see his manager shaking his head quickly off to the side, signaling him to change topics quickly. 

“It’s because my love is only for our fans!” exclaims Minhyun quickly, and is relieved with nobody pushes the subject any further.

The rest of the filming is uneventful, and Minhyun is exhausted and relieved when it’s all over. Their manager offers to buy them chicken on the way back and they graciously accept, piling into the company van with rumbling stomachs. 

Minhyun doesn’t know why, but he feels oddly empty and sad. Maybe it’s because their livestream only clocked in two thousand viewers at its peak, but his resolve is fading and optimism crumbling away. 

A sudden surge of bravery washes over him and before he can tell himself it’s a bad idea, he reaches over to his left where Jonghyun is sitting and intertwines their fingers together, squeezing tightly. It’s not that they’ve never done this before; they’ve held hands plenty of times, both as friends and in a more intimate way, but this is the first time they’ve done it in front of others. Only Aron notices but he doesn’t comment on it, and Minhyun is grateful for that. He’s not really in the mood to explain himself at the moment.

They’re finally back at their dorms and Minhyun races off to one of the bathrooms first, eager to shower and change into clean and comfortable clothes. Not wanting to use up all the hot water, he rinses off as quickly as he can and passes the shower off to Dongho who is watching a movie on his computer.

The sadness still weighs heavily in Minhyun’s stomach, and he feels like he’s drowning and being pulled to the depths of the ocean. He doubts he could sleep it off and he really doesn’t feel like being alone, but going to Jonghyun’s room seems like a dangerous step in his path of bad decisions.

But then again, he’s already way past the point of no return.

Jonghyun’s door is unlocked and he’s mildly surprised to see that Jonghyun is already in bed, reading a book instead of playing a video game or watching a show. His hair is still wet from his shower and small droplets slide down the side of his face.

“Hey you,” says Minhyun, closing the door behind him and locking it with a small click. Jonghyun smiles and puts the book down on his nightstand, and Minhyun recognizes the title as one he recommended.

“I was expecting you to come,” replies Jonghyun, scooting himself over to make room for Minhyun. “You seemed tired all day.”

He doesn’t reply, choosing to bury his face against Jonghyun’s side instead. Jonghyun smells like clean soap and fresh laundry just like his bedsheets, and Minhyun knows that he’s so far gone but he can’t bring himself to stop.

They’re playing a dangerous game but as long as they don’t cross their boundaries, Minhyun knows he’ll still be in control.

Unfortunately, all of Minhyun’s self-control seems to fly out the window whenever Jonghyun is involved anyway.

“So were you serious when you said that you’ve never kissed a girl before?” asks Jonghyun lightly, a mixture of curiosity and apprehension in his voice.

“I’ve never kissed anyone,” he replies, still curled up against Jonghyun’s side and breathing deeply. “Why? Have you?”

“Other than the actress for our music video? Just once,” confirms Jonghyun, now threading his fingers through Minhyun’s hair. “When I was younger, there was a neighbour girl that I liked. I kissed her after school one day and then she cried.”

Minhyun laughs softly, warmth filling his stomach and replacing the heavy weight that was dragging him down. “Cute,” he whispers.

Jonghyun chuckles too and hums in agreement, wrapping his hand around the nape of Minhyun’s neck now and stroking softly with his thumb.

They lay there in silence for a few minutes listening to each other’s breaths and heartbeats and, for the first time in weeks, Minhyun’s body feels so content and relaxed that he could fall asleep right there and then. His mind, however, is troubled and racing through thoughts and his own personal desires. What they’re doing is risky enough as it is, but Minhyun knows that if he doesn’t ask right now, he may lose his opportunity forever. 

“Would you want to try?”

Jonghyun yawns. “Try what?”

“Kissing,” breathes Minhyun in response. He braces himself for the worst.

Jonghyun freezes and his thumb stops stroking the back of Minhyun’s neck, tensing up beside him. But somehow, by some miracle, he doesn’t pull away and lifts Minhyun’s chin up instead so they’re making eye contact.

“Sure,” whispers Jonghyun slowly and hesitatingly, already leaning down and they are so close that Minhyun can feel Jonghyun’s breath across his lips. 

It doesn’t take much more for their lips to finally meet, and Minhyun props himself up slightly on his elbows to brush his lips across Jonghyun’s. It’s chaste and soft, and the innocence of it makes Minhyun’s heart clench. He doesn’t even know if it could be considered a kiss, since all they’re doing is pressing their lips together. But he feels his stomach tighten with heat and longs to pull Jonghyun in closer.

Then, just as quickly as it started, it ends. 

Jonghyun pulls back with a breathy sigh, eyes fluttering shut and laying back down on his pillow. Minhyun does the same, laying down next to him but not quite touching.

There’s a heavy silence filling the room and the air is thick with unspoken words. Minhyun doesn’t quite trust his voice so he does the only thing that makes sense, the only thing that he’s sure of in the world; he rolls over, straddles Jonghyun’s hips, and lowers himself down so their lips meet once again.

***

Of all the things he expected the next morning, waking up alone in a cold and empty bed was nowhere on that list. It’s still early, much too early for anyone to be awake. Yawning softly, he rubs his eyes and opens the door of Jonghyun’s room, expecting to find him in the kitchen or bathroom. Instead, he finds Jonghyun asleep on the couch, a blanket covering the bottom half of his torso.

Minhyun may have never had a relationship or kissed anyone until last night, but he can see the signs already. It’s not like they had done anything that seriously crossed the line; they kissed softly and gently until their lips grew chapped and then fell asleep almost immediately, and nothing else happened for the rest of the night. 

But still, they crossed the line.

He sighs, pulling the blanket up so that it covers Jonghyun’s entire body. It’s too early to do anything and today is one of the rare days where they don’t have any scheduled activities, but he’s also too awake to go back to sleep. He’s almost tempted to take a train back to Busan to visit his family, but it’ll be a full day of travel back and forth and decides against it. 

There’s a rustle next to him and Jonghyun stirs, groaning softly.

“Morning,” greets Minhyun simply. The rustling stops.

“Morning,” he mumbles, but Minhyun cuts him off before he can continue.

“Listen, I know we both have a lot on our minds now. Let’s just take some time to think, and then we can talk.” It hurts Minhyun to say it, but he’s not foolish or naive enough to believe that anything could come of it. In a perfect world, he’d be able to kiss Jonghyun and hold his hand whenever and wherever, but reality is different. Idols don’t date, especially amongst group members, and Minhyun cannot begin to even imagine the scandal and controversy that would unfold if news ever got out. 

Jonghyun nods, laying back down and turning his back to Minhyun. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

It takes three days before Jonghyun approaches him, asking if they can talk. 

Minhyun knows now that everything about that night was a mistake and that he’s ruined their relationship, but he clings onto a tiny sliver of hope when Jonghyun asks to speak with him after dinner. They get dressed in black sweaters and jeans, toss on a baseball caps and face masks, and sneak out into the night.

The air is cool and crisp, cutting into Minhyun’s cheeks and he shivers, wishing he wore a thicker sweater or brought a coat. Jonghyun is shivering too, trying to warm up his hands with his breath, and Minhyun longs to reach out to hold his hand but stops himself in time. It reminds him of that one night almost three years ago when they ran through the streets of Seoul hand in hand, feeling invincible and weightless. Back then, they had goals and dreams and aspirations. Now, all they have is apprehension and fear for their future.

They wander around aimlessly for a while time and Minhyun has no idea where they are going, but Jonghyun seems to have an idea and Minhyun trusts him. Eventually, Jonghyun leads them to a small park where there are some benches along the side of a patch of grass. He beckons for them to sit, and Minhyun obliges. 

They sit side by side but neither attempts to start the conversation, and Minhyun finds that he doesn’t mind sitting there in the dark with Jonghyun, even though his heart is racing with tension and anxiety. He knows what’s coming and he knows what Jonghyun is about to say, but he’s not ready for things to end when they have barely just begun.

“I want to, but we can’t,” whispers Jonghyun, his voice cutting through the night, and Minhyun’s heart shatters.

“I…” Jonghyun’s voice trails off as he hesitates, searching for the right words. “I want to, I want to so bad. But what we want is impossible to ever have. How can we ask for something so selfish that could tear our group apart when we’re barely hanging in there? Our company is already looking for a reason to drop us and I don’t want to give them any more reason to even consider it. They already look at me as a failed leader. I don’t want to fail you too and have you look at me the same way.”

Minhyun swallows, a lump rising in his throat. He wants to grab Jonghyun by the shoulders and shake him until he stops the self-deprecating words, but he knows it’s futile at this point. Regardless of what happens, Jonghyun always blames himself, even when it’s not his fault or responsibility. 

“That’s not true,” he whispers, his voice cracking slightly. Jonghyun smiles sadly, and Minhyun can see the hurt and pain in his eyes.

There’s nothing left to say between them, but neither stand up from their spot. Minhyun knows that the moment they leave, whatever tiny thread that links him to Jonghyun will snap and their relationship will never be the same again, and he’s not ready to give that up. Instead, he asks the one question that’s been haunting his thoughts for the past three days.

“If I had never come to your room that night, do you think we could have continued like that?”

Jonghyun exhales, a puff of breath floating out from between his lips.

“I don’t know,” he answers truthfully, linking his fingers behind his head and looking up at the night sky. “All I know is that I don’t want things to change between us. We work well together and I’ll always care about you.” He turns to Minhyun, expression soft and sad. “We still have Aron, Dongho, and Minki to think about, and I don’t want to put them in the middle of,” he motions between them with a wave of his hands, “whatever this is. I know it’s a lot to ask from you and I don’t expect you to answer, but can you promise me that we won’t let this change anything?”

Minhyun nods his head.

“Of course,” he lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the slight angst.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One step forward, two steps back.

Minhyun rolls over in his bed, shutting his eyes tightly and trying to will his body to fall asleep. It’s late, closer to dawn than midnight, but Minhyun’s mind is racing too fast for him to even consider sleeping. His body is exhausted from dance practice all day, as they have all been working hard in preparation of their upcoming album and music video shooting. Aron is snoring lightly across the room, having fallen asleep almost immediately upon returning, barely able to shrug out of his sweat soaked clothes. Dongho, Minki, and Jonghyun also returned to their rooms quietly without much words. 

He knows he shouldn’t, but he can’t help himself as he quietly gets up from his bed and slips into a pair of sweatpants and jacket.

It’s silent in the hallway as he sneaks out, closing the door to his shared bedroom with a quiet click. Shoving his hands into his pockets, he walks down the hall with a destination already in mind. He passes by Dongho and Minki’s room and, for a moment, briefly considers joining them instead. There are soft voices inside and his hand is already halfway raised to the door, fingers curled and ready to knock, when he suddenly stops himself with a shake of his head. Dropping his hand, he sighs softly and turns his back to their door, continuing down the hallway.

As expected, the door is unlocked and he doesn’t even bother knocking before flinging it open and entering. It’s dark inside, the only light coming from the computer screen. Jonghyun is huddled over his desk, eyes staring intently at his screen and hands flying across the keyboard. 

“Minhyun,” says Jonghyun soft, eyes still glued to his screen. “It’s late.”

Minhyun doesn’t reply as he makes his way over to the bed, kicking off his slippers and flinging himself on top of the comforter. The familiar scent of soap and clean laundry washes over him as he buries his face into the pillow and inhales deeply.

The only sounds in the room for the next few minutes are from the game on Jonghyun’s computer and the clicks of the keyboard. Even though it’s the middle of winter, Minhyun feels warm in Jonghyun’s bed as his body grows heavy and tired. He’s dozing in and out of sleep when he feels a dip in the bed on his left and a gentle nudge to his shoulder. 

He rolls over, making room for Jonghyun to sit, and immediately rolls over again to bury his face in the small of Jonghyun’s back. Wrapping his arms around his waist, he pulls Jonghyun in closer and feels a flutter of relief when he is met with no resistance. 

It’s not the most comfortable position, but his sleep-deprived body is begging for rest and he’s about to fall asleep for real this time when a question escapes from Jonghyun’s lips and cuts through the silent room.

“Why are you here again, Minhyun?”

It’s been over a year since that fated night at the park where Minhyun’s life changed, but time still hadn’t mended the emptiness in his heart. Jonghyun was right, to an extent – nothing about their relationship had really changed. They still work well together and are friendly to each other in public appearances, but Minhyun knows that there is a deep chasm between the two of them. As much as it hurts Minhyun, he knows that Jonghyun has it worse. 

For the most part, Minhyun stays strong. He carries out his scheduled duties diligently and with as much enthusiasm as he can, throwing himself into his work to distract himself from the emptiness inside. But on cold and lonely nights, ones that remind Minhyun of the time in their pre-debut days when he and Jonghyun had run through the streets holding hands after practice, he relapses. That’s why he’s here in Jonghyun’s room right now.

Minhyun settles for replying with a question of his own instead.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Silence. Jonghyun sighs.

“You already know the answer to that,” he mumbles as he unzips his hoodie and slips off his socks, crawling into bed and underneath the covers to join Minhyun. 

They lay there in silence, staring up at the ceiling. There’s a small gap between them, only a few centimeters apart, and Minhyun itches to reach out for Jonghyun’s hand to bridge the distance. Instead, he settles for turning around to face Jonghyun, and is surprised to see Jonghyun doing the same. 

In the darkness, Jonghyun looks weary and defeated. His eye bags are more prominent and his face ashy, and Minhyun feels a pang in his chest knowing that Jonghyun is suffering but refusing to accept help. 

To Minhyun’s great surprise, Jonghyun is the one to close the gap as he finds Minhyun’s hand and gently intertwines their fingers together. Minhyun can see the pain and desire reflected in Jonghyun’s eyes too, and it takes all his willpower to keep breathing even.

“We can’t keep doing this,” whispers Jonghyun as his thumb rubs small, comforting circles against the back of Minhyun’s hand. 

“Yeah, I know. Last time, I promise.” 

It’s a lie and they both know it, but Jonghyun doesn’t call Minhyun out for it. Instead, he tucks his head underneath Minhyun’s chin and murmurs "goodnight" against Minhyun’s neck, the two of them letting sleep finally overtake them. 

***

Shooting for their Overcome music video turns out to be a disaster. If Minhyun was to be honest with himself, he didn’t expect that they would ever get another domestic comeback after how poorly their Good Bye Bye promotions went. Part of him feels that this is a goodbye album to their fans, but the less pessimistic side of him tries to convince himself that it’s a good sign their company still has faith in the group. But regardless of what the reason is, he’s just grateful to be given an opportunity to release more of their own music again.

The five of them arrive early in the morning and are immediately taken for makeup, hair, and outfits, while their manager deals with the production crew. Minhyun fidgets a bit as the stylist applies concealer on his chin and tries to ignore the somersaults in his stomach; he has the leading role in the music video and although he feels sure in his acting abilities, the fear of a disappointing performance is slowly ebbing away his confidence. 

Dongho is the first to finish and leaves the room to check on the set. When he returns, there’s a concerned expression on his face.

“Something wrong?” asks Jonghyun from under his hair stylist’s arms.

“Yeah,” replies Dongho, furrowing his brows slightly. He turns to Minhyun. “You’re allergic to salt, right?”

“It’s more like a skin irritation.” His stylist is now working on his hair and he peers out from underneath his bangs. “Why?”

“Because,” starts Dongho, frustration spreading across his face, “I just spoke with the director and he wants to use salt instead of real snow, since he said it’s melting too quickly.”

Minhyun’s shoulders stiffen slightly as he feels the other members turn to look at him. His skin’s sensitivity to salt is going to make this a problem, but he’s not going to back down when everyone else has worked so hard and waited so long for this comeback. It’s their last chance for survival, and he’s not going to let his personal issues ruin the opportunity for everyone else.

“It’s fine,” he replies, waving his hand and forcing a smile on his face. “I’ll just get it right in the first take and it’ll be over before the allergy sets in.”

Jonghyun is already out of his seat, even though his hair stylist is protesting for him to sit down so she can finish. “Let me talk to the director. Maybe there’s another solution.” He’s out the door before any of them can stop him.

Minki slumps in his chair as Jonghyun leaves and Aron and Dongho exchange a worried look with each other. 

Jonghyun is still speaking to the director when they’re finished with hair and makeup. Even when he’s agitated, he still speaks politely and respectfully, but Minhyun can see the anger simmering underneath and slowly rising to the surface.

“What about a substitute? There has to be something else we can use instead.”

“Yes, but the cost is too high since we need a lot and your company isn’t exactly… yeah…” the director’s voice trails off as he sees Minhyun and the others approaching. 

Minhyun places his hand on Jonghyun’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “It’s fine,” he assures him. “I think I’m a pretty good actor. I’m sure we can get this done in one or two takes. Can we save this part for the end, at least?”

The director nods as he quickly walks away, glad to be finally free from the heated discussion at hand. Jonghyun turns and tilts his head up slightly, an anxious expression on his face. 

“You’re sure about this?” 

“Of course,” smiles Minhyun. “Trust me.”

In the end, it takes ten takes before the director is satisfied. The right side of Minhyun’s face swells so badly halfway through his solo scenes that the director has to change angles and film his left side instead. Jonghyun stands off to the side, chewing on his lip and fists curled up at his side. When the director finally yells, “cut!”, he rushes over to Minhyun’s and helps him stand up.

“Jonghyun, I’m fine,” smiles Minhyun, face slightly pink and lopsided. “I’m not dying or anything.”

“Yeah, I know, but it’s still frustrating you had to go through that.” He hoists Minhyun up as the managers brush the excess salt off his clothes and twist off the cap for a bottle of water. “Go change and take your makeup off. I’ll wait for you outside.”

The makeup artists are quick to remove Minhyun’s makeup and he’s a bit shocked at how much his face has swelled up. It feels hot and slightly painful to the touch, but it’s not so bad that he can’t ignore it. His eyes are puffy and he feels exhausted though, but the stylists are working as quickly as they can.

He makes his way over to the van where Jonghyun is waiting for him. He’s sitting in the back, playing a game on his phone when he sees Minhyun approaching. Throwing open the door, he beckons Minhyun to come inside the heated car quickly.

“Where did the others go?” asks Minhyun, zipping up his jacket and pulling the hood over his head. 

“Aron was hungry, so I told them to go eat first. Do you want to meet up with them or head back to the dorm?” Jonghyun reaches out to gently turn Minhyun’s face, examining the swelling. “It looks bad.”

“Honestly, I just want to shower and then sleep for the rest of the night,” groans Minhyun.

“Yeah, wouldn’t that be nice.” Jonghyun smiles. “I’ll wake you up when we get back.”

It’s not a very long journey back to their dorms and Minhyun wants nothing more than to sleep the entire trip, but despite how exhausted his body is, his thoughts keep him awake. He hates how easily he gives in to Jonghyun’s kindness, because every gentle touch and soft reply reminds Minhyun of what they almost had.

A clean break would be easy to heal from, but Minhyun would never even think about breaking his contract and quitting the group. His feelings may be selfish, but he refuses to let them manifest into actions.

The van pulls into the alleyway behind their dorm and Jonghyun slides the door open, allowing Minhyun to exit first. It’s dark outside and wind slices across Minhyun’s face, but it feels nice against his swollen face. He’s fumbling in his pocket for their key, but Jonghyun gently guides his hand away from the doorknob and slides in his own key instead.

It’s quiet and dark inside their dorm, as the other members are still out. Jonghyun slips off his shoes and turns on the lights, illuminating Minhyun’s face and he frowns.

“Are you sure it doesn’t hurt?”

“It looks worse than it feels,” assures Minhyun. He’s not sure why Jonghyun cares so much, to be honest, and it makes his stomach clench uncomfortably tight whenever Jonghyun reaches up to touch his face. He knows that Jonghyun is just fulfilling his duties as leader to make sure all the members are okay and that he genuinely cares about Minhyun’s health, but he still feels a heavy longing ache to reciprocate those gentle touches.

Pulling away slightly, he forces a smile. “You should go join the others. We worked hard today and you deserve a break.” He doesn’t wait for Jonghyun to reply and turns around, walking towards the bathroom. “See you later.”

He shuts the door behind him, sliding down and rests his head between his knees. Putting on a front and pretending that everything is okay is exhausting him, but there is no alternative solution. Even though he knew it would be a lie to promise Jonghyun that things could remain the same, Minhyun also refuses to let his selfishness break apart the group. Stripping off his clothes as quickly as he can, he turns on the shower and lets the hot water wash over him. It’ll be good for him to get proper sleep for once, especially since they don’t have activities tomorrow and he can afford to sleep in a bit. 

The seconds tick by, eventually turning into minutes, and when he decides that he’s wasted enough of the hot water, he turns off the shower and wraps a towel around his body. Cracking open the bathroom door just a sliver, he listens for the sound of Jonghyun’s footsteps but it’s quiet outside. Maybe Jonghyun did take his advice and go out, and he sighs with relief.

But of course, nothing ever goes Minhyun’s way, and he’s greeted with the sight of Jonghyun wrapping ice cubes in a kitchen towel when he enters his bedroom.

“I thought you left,” says Minhyun, unable to hide the surprise and disappointment in his voice.

Jonghyun slips a rubber band around the towel, handing it out to Minhyun. “Press this on your face. And I thought about it, but I would feel bad if I left you alone.”

“Don’t feel bad,” scoffs Minhyun, accepting the ice. “Everyone else left and I kind of want to be left alone anyway.”

Jonghyun’s face falls slightly, and Minhyun feels a little bad.

“I just thought you’d like some company,” hesitates Jonghyun.

And maybe the exhaustion of keeping up a facade has finally caught up with Minhyun, but he can’t take it anymore. Minhyun has never been the confrontational type, but he suddenly feels the urge to pick a fight. 

“Please, just leave.”

“Talk to me, Minhyun.” Jonghyun sits down on Minhyun’s bed, staring at him with a pleading look in his eyes. “Let’s stop avoiding whatever this is.”

The anger, frustration, loneliness, and sadness bottled inside Minhyun for the past year is dangerously close to overflowing.

“I’ve tried my best to act like things haven’t changed, but we both know that you’ve been avoiding me since that night. I don’t know what you want anymore, Jonghyun. I’m not strong enough to completely push you away, but I’m also not strong enough to stay by your side while pretending that things are alright.”

He takes two deep breaths, trying to calm himself. “You were the one who made the decision for us, and I’m trying my best to keep that promise I made you.” Minhyun drops the towel, fully aware that he’s standing completely naked and very wet in front of Jonghyun. Grabbing a shirt and a pair of sweatpants, he slips them on and turns back to Jonghyun, who is slightly pink in the face. “You want to pretend like things are normal? There you go. It’s normal seeing me naked, right? We’ve seen each other’s bodies plenty of times.”

Minhyun’s voice grows steadily louder, unable to suppress his emotions any longer. “You want to pretend like things haven’t changed? You want me to warm your bed at night, but you won’t look me in the eyes during the day? You want me to be there for your support, but you won’t hold a proper conversation with me? What do you truly want?”

There’s a pleading look in Jonghyun’s eyes, desperation seeping into his voice. “I was wrong to say those things to you, and then I was afraid that I would hurt you even more if I tried to talk things out again.”

Tears threaten to spill from Minhyun’s eyes, but he refuses to let them show. Instead, he slumps down next to Jonghyun, looking up at the ceiling.

“I’m just tired of it all,” says Minhyun defeatedly. “I wish I could be as selfless as you and put the needs of the group ahead of my own desires, but I can’t anymore.”

“I’m not selfless,” replies Jonghyun immediately. “It’s my fault we’re even in this position. I hurt you because I was too scared of my own feelings. I was immature and thought I knew what was best for the group, for myself, and for you.”

“So talk to me,” begs Minhyun. “Tell me what you want.”

“You,” whispers Jonghyun, his voice cracking. “The only happiness I have ever wanted is you.”

And with those words, Minhyun feels the last bit of his resolve shatter. Placing both hands on either side of Jonghyun, he leans down, trapping him between his body and the bed.

“Say it again,” mumbles Minhyun, leaning down so that their lips are almost touching. He can feel Jonghyun’s breath, shallow and trembling.

“You,” replies Jonghyun simply.

It feels like breathing for the first time after almost drowning when Minhyun’s lips finally meet Jonghyun’s again. Unlike their first kiss, full of gentle innocence, this one is desperate, hungry, and raw. Jonghyun gasps, and Minhyun takes the opportunity to bite down on his lip, tugging slightly in encouragement. 

Jonghyun moans softly into Minhyun’s mouth, and a warmth spreads throughout Minhyun’s body, his chest burning with the desire for more. He knows that he’ll regret his actions in the morning and that the déjà vu of waking up alone in an empty bed will crush him again, but he pushes those thoughts aside for now. He’ll deal with it in the morning.

“You realize that things will never be the same again after this, right? We can’t go back.”

“I’m tired of running away,” whispers Jonghyun, reaching up to cup Minhyun’s face in his hands. He lets Jonghyun pull his face down so that their foreheads are touching, short puffs of breath against each other’s lips. Nuzzling his nose against Minhyun’s, he mumbles, “Just let us have this, just once.”

First kiss, first heartbreak, and Minhyun realizes that it’s always been Jonghyun, and that Jonghyun has always been his first and only. Taking a shaky breath, he nods. On Minhyun’s list of poor life decisions, this definitely ranks at the very top. Whatever little healing he’s accomplished in the past year has been completely unraveled and broken beyond repair, but he’s given up on caring. Running his hand up Jonghyun’s arm, he wraps his hand around the back of Jonghyun’s neck, pulling him in deeper and finally closing the emptiness inside his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> or alternatively titled, "two selfless idiots in love".


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All good things come to an end.

For the first time in nearly four years, Minhyun finally feels like he is truly at peace.

Being with Jonghyun, he realizes, brings out the best in both of them. Gone is the nervousness and tension that was tugging them apart for the past few years; there’s an ease between them now, fueled by the motivation and simple desire to make each other happy.

To say that things are easy, however, would be a blatant lie. There is still the over looming fear and uncertainty about the future of their group, but having Jonghyun by his side through their struggles makes the impossible seem possible. 

He knows there’s a fondness in his eyes that he can’t control when he looks at Jonghyun, but he’s not afraid to hide it anymore. It embarrasses Jonghyun a little and the other members tease Minhyun about it, but he’s so radiant and beaming that nobody gives him a hard time. 

Jonghyun is slurping away at his noodles, accompanying Minhyun for lunch between practice, and Minhyun’s heart feels so warm and full. There’s a bit of sauce stuck to the corner of Jonghyun’s mouth and Minhyun mindlessly reaches across the table to wipe it off, thumb lingering on Jonghyun’s lip, and the realization that he is so incredibly and hopelessly in love with Jonghyun hits him.

He jolts and yanks his hand away a little too quickly and unnaturally, and Jonghyun looks up from his bowl. Minhyun feigns a coughing fit and turns around, trying to will the blush to disappear and cool down his pink face.

“You okay, Minhyun?” asks Jonghyun worriedly, pushing a glass of water towards him. Minhyun downs the glass in a few gulps and then turns around, a genuine smile on his face. 

“What?” asks Jonhyun again, this time a bit apprehensive. “Why are you smiling like that?”

Minhyun’s chest feels like it could burst at any moment with happiness, but simply reaches out and intertwines his fingers with Jonghyun’s.

“Nothing,” smiles Minhyun, tightening his grip slightly. “Just something I realized.”

They finish the rest of their lunch quietly, enjoying the peaceful comfort of each other’s presence. Minhyun insists on paying and Jonghyun accepts, albeit a bit sheepishly and promises that he’ll pay for lunch next time.

“Don’t worry about it,” says Minhyun lightly, sliding his credit card back into his wallet and pocketing it. Linking his pinky finger with Jonghyun’s, he leads them towards the door and out onto the busy street. “I asked you to accompany me, anyway.”

Practice doesn’t start for another hour, but the weather is so nice that neither feel the desire to return early. Although they’re dressed in casual clothes and are wearing face masks, it’s still much too risky to hold hands in public. Instead, they settle for walking closely side by side, Jonghyun’s fingers occasionally brushing against Minhyun’s palm as a gentle reminder that he’s still there. 

“Anywhere you want to go in particular, Minhyun?” asks Jonghyun, checking his phone for the time.

“Mmm…” muses Minhyun, turning his head and smiling at Jonghyun. “You lead. I’ll follow.”

Minhyun honestly don’t mind where they go, so long as he’s with Jonghyun. But Jonghyun smiles softly and pulls Minhyun by the arm, leading him down the street. There’s a feeling of déjà vu as Minhyun walks past the vaguely familiar buildings, wondering where Jonghyun is leading him, but he’s more preoccupied with the warmth of Jonghyun’s fingers wrapped around his forearm.

“I know this is probably the last place you ever want to see again, but I thought it would be fitting for us to come full circle,” says Jonghyun softly, and Minhyun looks up from his arm, a wave of nostalgia and bittersweet heartache washing over him.

The sight of the familiar park bench from nearly two years ago brings a lump to Minhyun’s throat and he swallows frantically, painful memories surfacing and his heart clenches tightly. But Jonghyun reaches down and intertwines his fingers with Minhyun’s, squeezing tightly and nuzzling his face into the crook of Minhyun’s neck.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you all those years ago,” whispers Jonghyun against Minhyun’s neck, lips brushing softly against skin. “I know you’ve forgiven me, but I haven’t forgiven myself for hurting the person I care about the most.”

Minhyun’s instinctive reflex is to tell Jonghyun that it’s not his fault and that he doesn’t blame him at all, but he knows that Jonghyun’s apology is the only way for him to forgive himself. Instead, he presses a kiss against Jonghyun’s temple, and mumbles, “I know.”

The minutes slip by as they stand fixated at their spot, not caring in the slightest that they are still in public. It’s not until Jonghyun asks almost shyly, “Can we take a photo together?” that snaps Minhyun out of his trance. Nodding and smiling softly, he helps Jonghyun position his phone on the bench and set the timer as the two run off to a distance far enough to get their bodies in the shot.

“I’m thankful,” whispers Jonghyun faintly, and Minhyun melts as he leans into Jonghyun’s back.

There’s not much time left before they need to return, but Minhyun manages to get a few photos of Jonghyun running around and acting silly. The contrast from now and two years feels so drastically different that Minhyun almost doesn’t recognize themselves anymore, and he can’t stop smiling as he and Jonghyun walk back towards their company building. He’s not a spontaneous or risk-taking person by any means, but a sudden desire overcomes him as he quickly glances behind him to make sure they’re not seen or being followed and drags Jonghyun into a side alleyway, eyes dark and hooded.

They’re definitely late when they return to their practice room and, if the others members do notice their slightly swollen lips, disheveled hair, and small secret smiles, Minhyun is very grateful that nobody chooses to say anything.

***

It’s quite uncharacteristic for Minhyun to not have finished packing the day before he leaves for a trip, but his train departs in less than two hours and he’s still folding shirts into his suitcase, albeit a little messily. It also doesn’t help that Jonghyun is lazing around in his bed playing a game on his phone, and the sliver of skin that exposes his stomach keeps Minhyun distracted. 

“You’re going to be late if you don’t finish in the next ten minutes,” reminds Jonghyun, not even bothering to look up from his phone. 

“Well, I wonder whose fault it is for distracting me last night,” shoots back Minhyun, folding another sweater and tucking it into his suitcase. 

Jonghyun laughs as he rolls onto his back with his arms outstretched, beckoning Minhyun to join him. “You didn’t seem to mind at the time.”

The warmth of Jonghyun’s embrace is something Minhyun will sorely miss, even if it’s only just for a few days. His sister’s university graduation is this weekend and he’ll be returning home for a few days, but it’ll be the first time in a while that he’ll be separated from Jonghyun for a few hours. 

“It’s only for a few days,” whispers Jonghyun, seemingly have read Minhyun’s thoughts. “I’ll still call you every night.”

It takes all of Minhyun’s willpower to pull himself off the bed to finish packing, but he kisses Jonghyun’s forehead as he gets up. His manager is waiting downstairs to take him to the train station and Minhyun feels bad for making anyone wait. Tossing his toiletries and skincare products in at the top, he quickly zips up his suitcase and grabs his favourite brown wool coat from the closet. He’s ready to say goodbye to Jonghyun and maybe sneak in one last kiss but when he turns around, he’s surprised to see that Jonghyun is already standing up behind him.

“So, uh, I know this is a little early,” hesitates Jonghyun, “Christmas isn’t for another few weeks, but I want you to have this before you leave.”

He sees Jonghyun bend over and kneel down on one knee and, for the briefest moment, Minhyun’s heart stops beating, but Jonghyun instead lifts up Minhyun’s right pant leg and ties something around his ankle. Jonghyun stands up, head tilting slightly, and smiles as he says, “It looks good on you. It suits you.”

Minhyun looks down, and there is a thin red braided string tied around his right ankle. It’s delicate and small, easily hidden with long pants or socks, and he feels his throat tighten slightly.

“I didn’t want to give you something too obvious, “continues Jonghyun, scratching the back of his head. “But I wanted it to be something you could look at if you miss me when you’re gone.”

Minhyun doesn’t trust his voice but he knows his face must show his happiness because Jonghyun is smiling brightly now too, so he pulls Jonghyun in for a tight hug and kisses him softly.

“Thank you. It’s perfect.”

It’s a simple goodbye as Minhyun waves farewell to Jonghyun and Dongho at the door, and his heart feels so warm that not even the chill of the winter air bothers him. The ride to the train station is quiet and uneventful, and Minhyun manages to board his train in time too. The journey is spent alternating between texting Jonghyun and reading his book, until Jonghyun apologetically tells him that he needs to go practice now, promising to call again later that night.

Minhyun’s mother and sister are waiting for him by the station entrance when he departs his train and the feeling of finally returning home washes over him as he runs towards them, pulling both into a tight reunion hug.

“You’ve gotten so thin,” exclaim his mother and sister in unison, but Minhyun just closes his eyes and shakes his head, kissing them both on the cheek.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ve been really happy lately.”

It’s late by the time they arrive home and Minhyun’s mother insists that he eats a proper meal before going to sleep. The familiar feeling of sitting in his mother’s home, eating her home cooked meal, joking with his sister, and reunited with his dog almost brings Minhyun to tears, and he wishes that he could have brought Jonghyun home along with him.

By the time he bids his mother and sister goodnight and returns to his childhood room, it’s well past midnight and he’s exhausted beyond belief. Checking his phone for the first time in hours, he feels a twinge of guilt to see three texts and a missed call from Jonghyun.

(22:37) our leader: practice ended early~! going to get food with everyone!  
(23:49) our leader: aron ate and drank too much.. we went home early ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ  
(00:23) our leader: wish you were here  
(00:45) Missed Call From “our leader”

Minhyun’s finger hovers above the call button, hesitant to call Jonghyun back. He may be asleep already, and Minhyun would hate to wake Jonghyun up after a long night of practice. He decides to send a text first and, if Jonghyun replies, he’ll call back.

(01:11) minhyun: sleepy bugi~ goodnight

Tossing his phone onto his bed, he grabs a towel and his toothbrush from his suitcase, quietly heading off to the bathroom. A hot shower before crawling into a warm bed to sleep uninterrupted until morning sounds like a dream to Minhyun, and he sighs as he lets the warmth of the water wash over him.

But to his surprise, his phone is buzzing softly when he returns his room a few minutes later, two new texts flashing on his screen.

(01:12) our leader: I miss the way you smile in your sleep  
(01:17) our leader: I miss how you steal all the blankets at night

Minhyun smiles, unlocking his phone and tapping out a response quickly.

(01:18) minhyun: I miss your snores at night  
(01:18) our leader: shut up ㅠㅠ  
(01:18) our leader: I miss your warmth  
(01:18) minhyun: I miss you

Minhyun watches the three dots appear and disappear, reappearing every few seconds only to vanish again. The thought of Jonghyun struggling to think of a response makes him chuckle softly to himself, plugging in his earphones and navigating to his contacts list to call Jonghyun instead.

“Hey you,” whispers Minhyun, hearing the call connect. “You should be asleep.”

“I could say the same for you,” replies Jonghyun. “Video call me?”

Minhyun taps the button and Jonghyun’s face fills up his screen, a dark silhouette slightly illuminated by the glow of his own screen. His hair is pushed back slightly and he’s wearing a loose tank top that hangs off one shoulder, but what catches Minhyun’s eye is the familiar pattern of the bed sheets.

“What are you doing in my bed?” he asks amusedly, laying down on his stomach and propping his chin in his hand. Jonghyun flushes for a moment until he rolls over on his back, pulling the blanket up to his nose and only letting his eyes peek through.

“Maybe I miss you too,” he mumbles. “Come back home.”

“But I am home,” teases Minhyun lightly. He can’t see Jonghyun’s face clearly, but he knows he’s rolling his eyes at Minhyun’s words.

“You know what I mean,” replies Jonghyun slightly heatedly. “Are you really going to make me say it?”

When Minhyun doesn’t reply but only continues to smile instead, Jonghyun sighs exasperatedly. 

“Come back to me, please?”

A fire burns deep within the pit of Minhyun’s stomach, spreading outwards slowly until his entire body is engulfed in warmth. Eyes crinkling and lips puckered, he presses a kiss against his phone camera.

“Always.”

***

But as with most things in Minhyun’s life, all good things eventually come to an end.

He stares at Jonghyun standing next to their manager in one of the Pledis conference rooms, the other members sitting around the table with similarly blank expressions on their faces.

“Can you repeat that?” asks Aron, breaking the trance of the room.

Jonghyun clears his throat, hands fidgeting and pulling at the hem of his jacket.

“I’ll be taking a hiatus from NU’EST activities for the unforeseeable future. I’m joining Produce 101 as a contestant trainee.”

Minhyun feels as if someone had punched all the air out of his stomach, unable to breathe or speak. He opens his mouth, gaping and searching for the right words.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us?” asks Minhyun weakly. Jonghyun’s determined expression softens slightly, turning towards Minhyun but unable to make eye contact.

“Because I need to do this for our group. I won’t let any of you demean or degrade yourselves back to trainee status. I’ll go on the show and try to get some attention for NU’EST. I doubt I’ll make it very far, anyway,” finishes Jonghyun wryly. 

“But you don’t have to do it alone,” replies Minki simply. “We’re stronger together.”

“That’s right,” chips in Dongho, as Aron nods in agreement.

“We’ve always been together from the beginning, so let’s continue this way until the end,” finishes Minhyun softly.

Jonghyun’s gaze drops to the floor, eyes blinking rapidly to prevent tears from slipping past. Minhyun gets up from his chair, walking over to Jonghyun and enveloping him in a hug. Dongho and Minki follow, with Aron bringing everyone together for a tight embrace.

“No matter what happens, we’ll do it together,” says Aron firmly. 

The words echo in Minhyun’s mind throughout the rest of the afternoon and well into the night as he showers and settles into bed. The familiar feeling of helplessness and hopelessness overwhelm him again and, despite the convincing and encouraging words of the other members, he feels that this opportunity will end in nothing but pain and heartache.

Which is how Minhyun, once again, finds himself walking down the familiar path of their hallway at midnight to Jonghyun’s room. Although it’s a walk he’s done a thousand times, there is an air of finality as he knocks and reaches for the doorknob.

Jonghyun is laying in his bed, arms folded across his stomach and eyes closed.

“Minhyun,” sighs Jonghyun heavily.

He wastes no time in crawling into Jonghyun’s bed, the familiar scent and feeling of belonging as he presses his face against Jonghyun’s chest. No words are spoken or needed between them, both in tune with each other’s emotions and thoughts. 

“I’m thankful we had a year together,” murmurs Jonghyun, tracing patterns against Minhyun’s collarbone. “I wish we had forever. I’m sorry this is all I can give you.”

“Nothing is going to change,” replies Minhyun gently. “Someone many years ago made me promise that nothing would ever change, remember?”

Jonghyun laughs sadly, fingers moving up to Minhyun’s jaw instead. “So I guess we’re all going then?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Minhyun curls up closer against Jonghyun’s side, seeking out his warmth and intertwining their fingers together again. “As long as we’re together, we can handle anything.”

There’s a comfortable silence between them again as Minhyun presses faint kisses against Jonghyun’s chest through his thin shirt, trying to comfort him with gentle touches and unspoken words.

“I’m scared,” whispers Jonghyun, voice cracking and cutting through the night. “I don’t want us to be separated, if only one person makes it.”

“That won’t happen,” replies Minhyun immediately. “Win or lose, no matter what, we’ll always be together.”

Jonghyun smiles sadly, turning towards Minhyun. “You can’t believe that we’ll all make it.”

“I have faith in us. I have faith in you.”

Jonghyun buries his face into the crook of Minhyun’s neck. “Thank you,” he breathes in relief. 

They’ve spent nearly seven years together, gone through hardships so difficult and painful that they almost wanted to quit, and suffered loneliness beyond imagination, but Minhyun wouldn’t have traded it for anything. The bond between him and the others, between him and Jonghyun, is one that could never be severed or broken. Even if it means giving up everything, as long as he has Jonghyun by his side, as long as they still have each other, everything will be okay.

“We’ll always have each other,” promises Minhyun, gripping Jonghyun’s hand tightly. “I promise, no matter what, we’ll make it together.” 

Jonghyun smiles, a genuine one this time. “You promise?” He reaches out from under the covers and lifts his hand, extending his pinky finger out.

“Always,” replies Minhyun, locking their fingers together. “When have I ever broken a promise to you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> — fin.
> 
> thank you for joining me on this journey.

**Author's Note:**

> [get yourself someone who looks at you the way minhyun looks at jonghyun.](https://minhyuun.tumblr.com/post/161111448573/minhyun-is-always-so-proud-of-his-leader)


End file.
